How to give a cat a pill
How to give your puss a pill:
1. Pick cat up and cradle in your left arm. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from packet, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make note to repair curtains later.
8. Get spouse to wrap cat in large towel with its head just visible. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubberband.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw torn t-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with string and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour litre of water to wash pill down throat.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye.
15. Stop by vet on way home and arrange for him to make a house-call.
How to give a dog a pill:
Wrap it in cheese.